There is something you may hear for the first time in your life, once someone close to you dies. It's the most annoying phrase in the world: "No tears! No tears!".
I suppose it is said with the best intentions, but it just doesn't sit well with me. Lately I have been running into friends and acquaintances whom Frank and I knew together over the years. Many haven't seen me in months, or even a year, since our last year was very intense and mostly private in our parallel quests for treatment, nurturing and simply time alone together.
So when I see an old face, I am comforted when they say, "I am sorry you lost Frank." Time after time, even this morning, I well up with tears. Can't help it. They see this, and we both acknowledge my sadness.
But this morning at church, when one husband hugged me, his wife jumped in to say, "No tears! No tears!". She meant well, but to my ears, it sounded all wrong. Tears, and my response when someone mentions Frank, are right for me, for now.
I first heard the "No tears!" refrain last August, when I attended the memorial gathering of a friend who had died -- also of pancreatic cancer -- months earlier. The room was filled with loving friends who talked about her. There was a "Chin up!" attitude in the air. "No tears!" was the phrase in play that afternoon, and I guess that was okay, for that family.
But, it's not okay for me, for now.
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